Hidden / to hide: conceal, obscure; covert to conceal from knowledge or exposure; keep secret: to obstruct the view of; cover up
“Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud” – Anonymous
It is in the dark recesses of our hearts and minds that we have a brokenness, an unforgiven hurt, a cracked soul where we feel the rawness, that deep wound that we tend to bandage, yet it seeps through now and again.
It is as though it is always there, triggers are initiated, and the emotions spill over once again. I would like to say with some sort of conviction that everything will be fine, but in truth, sometimes they will never ever be the same. There has been a very deep change that has taken place, somehow you have morphed into a bent over strange apparition that you identify with.
But you have to take up your cross, bury it and go through life trying to keep appearances with a smile on your face. Some days you are light and merry, maybe you get a new job, car, house or shoes and clothes that make you feel good for a time.
Perhaps you meet someone who for a while makes you forget that you are damaged
Then the little reminders pop up:
That car – well it’s still the same old you that rides it.
The house, it’s pretty and in a good neighbourhood, but you come home to your broken self.
That person – well they are just as damaged and fallible as you. You have decided to trust, they let you down, and the triggers remind you that your chapter should never have been read out loud ring in your ears.
All the “fillers” meant to cover the gaping hole, just felt good for a while but deep inside the demons still rage. Suddenly, realising that nothing or no one can fill that brokenness, your sense of serenity has flown out of the window yet again.
Have you found anything that you can relate to that I have written about? I am sure you all have. All the motivational sayings sent to you via FB and the like… do you take them and apply them? I doubt it – I’m sure you send it on to remind everyone what a wonderful person you want them to believe you are. Are you honest enough to concede that there is something inside you that you know will never allow to be exposed to the sunlight? Are you the person that thinks that they have got it all together because you have worked on yourself? Are you still looking for validation from something or someone so that hole can be filled? Are you still expecting that the heavens will open and wash you clean of your past? Are you ever hopeful that the “old” times will return, or you will be as happy as you were in 1989? Are your conversations populated with stories from way back when, at a time you were happy (or thought you were)?
Have you truly accepted the fact that you have been forever changed and that this person you see in the mirror has to find a new way, a new path, and a new strategy for getting to tomorrow?
I am here to tell you today that it is OKAY. Not everyone needs to know your truth, some will never handle it and others will use it against you the first chance they get. If you are not ready to let go of certain things, and you are doing just fine, then I say you carry on the way you are. Protect your heart.
I do not negate the effectiveness of counselling- if you feel that you need assistance to sort out the spider webs that have you caught up and all tangled. If you are unable to move past certain heavy emotions, and they weigh you down to a point where your sense of normality is being squelched, then I do most certainly suggest that a professional point of view is the way to go.
However I want to assure you that I believe that we are all fully capable of making decisions that are the best for our own lives. Be who you are – broken but okay.