Jealousy is a powerful emotion which has the illusion of certainty, convincing a person that their perception of any situation is fact. We have found through research that the more insecure the person, the more unrealistic are the perceived threats.
I took this and wrote about assumptions which are in essence illusions and perceptions not initially based on fact. I drew a picture of how they affect the dynamics of any relationship – make or break it whether it be in business, friendships or romantic circles because we inadvertently place our trust in our assumptions, illusions and perceptions.
‘One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them.’ Thomas Sowell
How sad this quote for the mere fact that it is true. The development of trust is an essential tool to forging any type of relationship. These bonds are fragile and it only takes one instance of betrayal or the illusion of betrayal to instantly discount years of ‘good’ behaviour and render them irrelevant
Let us understand how trust is formed:
There are 2 distinct ‘contracts’:
* In world affairs, organisations and business a formal contract is drawn up with specific conditions, clauses and penalties should the contract be broken or violated, a black and white no frills understanding betwixt all parties concerned. This is an ACTUAL contract.
* There is a line where humans take a set of behaviours or accepted ‘norms’ and attribute it to a situation and presume that the other party has given their bond, their word, their promise to the other, a PERCEIVED or social contract. We form social contracts throughout our formative years by relying on our care givers to supply our emotional and physical needs through conditioned learning. If our care giver only intermittently satisfies our needs then we learn to distrust. As we mature we are conditioned in accordance with our social responsibilities, morals, ethics and values.
When we become adults according to E Erikson, love “sometimes presents men and women with a trust-based mental model, psychological contracts and schemas with environments very different from their own childhood environment” which in turn can by its very nature lead to a sense of betrayal. 2 different people with 2 differing sets of values expecting their social contracts to hold firm to their belief system are bound to end up disappointed and broken. Essentially by default we set ourselves up to be betrayed in a number of ways and the effects of betrayal associated with a social contract is the most devastating. If we are emotionally immature and insecure we will feel the pangs of jealousy based on the assumptions, illusions and perceptions we allow ourselves to think and our trust is then shaken.
Now that we all understand how trust is built and how it can be destroyed, whereto from here? Have you allowed yourself to open up, to show others your vulnerability only to find yourself being hurt? Do you feel those pangs of jealousy that rise when you allow your thoughts to free-wheel? How many times have you said to yourself – what they did was SO unfair, I didn’t deserve it? I am so convinced that my partner is having an affair, what have I done?
I would like to suggest that given all the facts over the past 3 articles that you do a little introspection, some in-house cleaning and scrubbing, and take a good dose of vitamin ‘grow-up’. Let us re-visit our emotional maturity state and realise that we should not depend on others to make us happy and whole, we have to do that for ourselves, find things that build us up, do things that make fulfilled. We cannot nor should not assume that we own someone, we should rather love them enough to let them forge their own way in life, and be emotionally mature to give them that gift – unconditional love.
Why don’t we at the same time, when all those negative thoughts take over, let us make a concerted effort to find good and happy thoughts – funny book or happy movie or shopping with a friend.... do more of that rather than get all twisted inside. Let’s give our bodies a rest from the effects of adrenalin which is secreted when we are in a flight or fight mindset and rather give it a boost of serotonin and oxytocin from a happy state of mind which is far more beneficial to you and everyone around you.
I think we need to trust ourselves to deal with any situation that may arise in our walk of life. We cannot expect or demand trust, we earn it with time. We must take responsibility for being trustworthy individuals with open hearts, open minds and open eyes. In essence a good measure of control and self knowledge is what we need